Add Your Manifesto Points Here
Did we miss something? Add your own ideas for the new Democratic Manifesto in the comments section.
posted by Right Was Right at 2:43 PM
posted by Right Was Right at 2:43 PM
95 Comments:
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This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
In honor of gay pride, the red, white, and blue will now be the pink, cream, and aqua. (I stole that from MAD. Credit where it's due.)
Forty acres and a mule. All of it located in lily-white suburbia.
All land previously owned by Indians will be returned to them, except for Hollywood and Manhattan.
In order to show our support different cultures, the Statue of Liberty will be clothed head-to-tow in a Burqa on weekdays, and naked and free without masculinist oppressive shame for the beauty of wymmynkynd on weekends.
The last line of the Star spangled Banner will now be Or the Land of the Spineless and the home of the Quiters
The Only bush that we will see from here on out is the Hair on Hillary Clinton's legs from not shaving
"Cut And Run" ribbon car magnets
White people will be forced to become the domestic servants of and do the landscaping for illegal aliens
All the exits at Home Depot will be have signs that say "salida" - oh hold it wait a minute ... they are already!
Jani
http://bikerwash.com
Now that the Dems are back, it'll be just like the "Big Rock Candy Mountain" Remember?
"In the Big Rock Candy Mountain
The cops have wooden legs
The bulldogs all have rubber teeth
And the hens lay soft-boiled eggs
The farmer's trees are full of fruit
And the barns are full of hay
I'm bound to go
Where there ain't no snow
Where the sleet don't fall
And the winds don't blow
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain."
The poor, poor oil companies have to perform exploration and other business-related activities out of their own tiny profits.
Poor, poor Chevron.
To ensure thorough sex education, PBS will be authorized to show a half hour of pornography between Sesame Street and reruns of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. A Panel for Pornographic Diversity will make sure that all kinks, proclivities, orientations, and racial pairings are given equal time.
Apple pie will be banned. The new staple American dessert shall be pot brownies.
(There . . . I gave up my top seating in order to deliver it properly.)
Abortions for all children--it's the law (That's right...abortion, it's not just for fetuses anymore. All children, everywhere will be aborted. Sorry Johnny, there'll be no t-ball for you, it's abortion time. Gee Jane, I wanted to get you a dress for that dance, but you're still 'legally' considered a child, it's abortion time for you, baby!)-Jenn
Man-on-dog and man-on-box turtle marriages will be made legal.
Free pornography for kids!
Carry out "hit" on GW Bush by electrocuting him using Dick Cheney's pace-maker battery -- hello, President Pelosi!
Restore Clinton orgies with Chelsea to the Lincoln Bedroom.
1. Pardon Saddam, restore him to power, and give him a few nukes as an apology for the inconvenience.
2. Nominate Osama bin Laden as mayor of New York on an "Extreme Urban Renewal" platform.
3. Impeach both Bush and Cheney within 24 hours of making Pelosi Speaker of the House; then after she takes over the presidency, we'll make Harry Waxman speaker and appoint Noam Chomsky to her House seat.
4. Make abortion legal up to age 18.
5. Invite everyone in Central and South America to take up legal residence in the US, with free McMansions in suburban Atlanta (expropriated from registered Republicans) as an inducement to come on over.
6. Reduce the retirement age for full Social Security benefits to 45.
7. Raise the minimum wage to $250 per hour.
8. Nationalize Wal-Mart and fulfill its "lowest-cost" aspirations by giving its entire inventory to registered Democrats.
9. Require everyone to enter into a same-sex marriage.
10. Give the entire nation of Israel to the Palestinians and ship the Jews off to an Old Testament theme park, to be built by Disney in Myanmar.
great list, but I was really hoping that Christmas would be replaced by Cheesemas rather than this monkey nonsense. Ah well.
All voting materials to be printed in Ebonics.
Parents to be charged with child abuse for circumcising their sons or forcing their daughters to wear bras.
All churches will be required to teach evolution and former faith based monies, are to be redistributed to fact based institutions--
Tithes are considered income and churches will be taxed.
Military funding redistributed to provide healthcare on demand for all citizens...especially those with "bleeding hearts".
Self esteem workshops for all prisoners.
Affirmative action extended to include short people and anarchists.
Teachers will be required to demonstrate correct usage of birth control devices with other teachers.
Profanity will be referred to as "alternative language choices" (ALCs)
- Supreme court judges assassinated, replaced by overt gay & lesbian liberals.
- gag order placed on all Republicans & conservatives
All terrorist surveillance programs replaced with an 'honour system'.
We will immediately redirect the majority of our trade to Cuba and Venezuela, replacing the FOX News channel with looped documentaries about the magnificence and benevolance of Chavez and Castro. Intermingled will be public service announcements about the newest officially sanctioned Politically Correct American jargon, of course. There will also be educational programming about how to correctly honor our French linguistic heritage by ignoring the consonants in words such as "croissant" . . .
It really should be Clinton on Rushmore.
Hell, let's add 'em both. And FDR, again.
Office of "President" renamed "Gayatollah"
"In God We Trust" removed from currency, replaced with "In The Bavarian Illuminati We Trust, As Signified By This Eye-Pyramid Thing"
Dancing legalized.
All home improvements to require environmental impact statements.
Two-party talks opened with North Korea. (Heavens!)
Mandatory tax audits for all Americans making over $16,000/year, free limousine service for those making less.
U.S. armed forces to be disbanded, money saved to pay for family planning in foreign countries.
*Spanish Is made the Official language of the United States.
*All SSL (Spanish As a Second Language) classes mandatory for all English speaking citizens.
*Sex education, with practicum, required in all middle and high schools (especially Catholic Schools).
*Students awarded A's based on the number of positions they master(bate?) without becoming pregnant.
*All military based will burn an American Flag at dawn and dusk each day, fire to be extiguished by honor gaurd urinating on flames.
All unwanted babies are to be delivered to the Bush's front doorstep where Jenna and Barbara will take turns raising the nations unaborted unwanted human children.
Free and safe access to white women for all black men, in the first year of Democratic dominance.
Free and safe access for brown men in the second year.
Only same sex relationships for white men.
Mandatory LSD therapy for all Republicans, administered by recently freed deathrow inmates.
We have the right to our own opinion, and you also have the right to our own opinion.
On their first day of school, instead of regular orientation, your children will now attend sexual orientation.
You will in no way discipline your children. Once they become adults, this will become the warden's job.
Your tax increases will be offset by the many new social programs we think you'll really like.
Handicapped parking spaces are reserved for the handicapped, unless they are a conservative.
We will be accepting of illegal aliens. After all, when the white man first got here, he, too, scaled many fences and did landscaping for the indians on a cash basis.
We will extend an olive branch to terrorists, and at the same time, we will not pray to god that they don't kill us.
The minimum wage will be raised to $258 an hour, so that the entire country will become millionaires and we can all live in big mansions.
Beastiality will be mandatory, all citizens will recieve a Animal Sex credit which will last two years and must be renewed.
Tax will be taxed.
All children must lose their virginity by age 12.
Christians to be rounded into one large concentration camp to be known as Jesus-Jail, formerly known as Kansas.
The tax on tax will itself be taxed.
Mandatory abortions for republican couples.
Mandatory abortions will be taxed.
Massachusetts Senators Ted Kennedy and John Kerry come out of the closet together, marry, set up house, and adopt lots of kids.
Constitution will be amended so that a Wiccan shall always be head of Office of Faith-based Initiatives.
Constitution will be amended so that a Wiccan shall always be head of Office of Faith-based Initiatives.
Venezuela will be swiftly ratified as the fifty-first state, which gives Hugo Chavez time to lock up the nomination as the Democratic party's nominee for president in '08.
The House and Senate pass a resolution ordering the President to send flowers, chocolates and a "get-well-soon" card to Fidel Castro.
Anything longer than it is wide will be labeled as sexually oppressive.
The Body Harvesting Act of 2008 will require that donors surrender their organs on demand.
The definition of permanent vegetative state will be broadened to include napping and the act of blinking.
Al Jazeera, The New York Times, and NPR will finally be allowed to reveal their common owner: "the Jews."
... I love this game.
... I hate that I'm spending time thinking about these things.
Finally sanity returns! At last reason and intellect reign!
UN invited to move its headquarters from New York City to Washington, DC; the US government will make room by moving to the San Francisco Bay Area -- the Executive Branch to San Francisco, Congress to Berkeley, and the Supreme Court to East Oakland (only temporary, they get to move to the Oakland Hills as soon as John Roberts is gone).
Round up all the Creationists, and shove them off the edge of the Flat Earth.
Rendition of Bush and company to the International Criminal Court. Immediate unilateral nuclear disarmament. All corporate executives perform mandatory community service. Nationalize all defense, energy, and fuel corporations. Rush Limbaugh does real jail time for his drug crimes, but all hippies and street dealers may go free.
Start the lying right away - lie as much as you can, and hire someone from a major news corporation to do it for you when you are sleeping.
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Remove the colors red and blue from the American flag.
Commission the British duo Pet Shop Boys to write a fabulous new national anthem.
Drop hints that the Nobel committee willll consider Mumia Abu-Jamal for the Peace Prize, if they know what's good for them.
--
The Dread Pirate No-Beard
Even wonder why the democrats selected A mule for their mascot? They are lazy and stupid. When you call then an ASS they will agree.
Wonder why the Republicans selected a Elephant for their mascot?
They will never forget. They are strong and reliable.
Come on guys, admit it....."Republicans do it better!"
James said..
The Only bush that we will see from here on out is the Hair on Hillary Clinton's legs from not shaving.
I disagree, it will be the bush between her legs from not shaving.
God Almighty said...
Finally sanity returns! At last reason and intellect reign!
Now I know that you are a queer nut if you think you are God.
Neogaidaros said...
"It really should be Clinton on Rushmore."
With his zipper up or down?
Make literacy tests mandatory for all branches of government.
"The Devil made us do it!"
Ted Haggard & senator what's
his name.
Sounds like a bunch of sore losers to me. You guys are clueless anyway. Democrats do not advocate any of the things you guys are talking about; they just protect a person's right to do whatever they want with their own life. Republicans are your typical busy body that tries to get involved in everyone else's business. Get a life, stop molesting teenage boys, and lay off the meth and gay porn after delivering your sermon.
Another thing, wake up people. Democrats are the party of the working people, the same people that get up to an alarm and work an honest day's work. Unless you are a member the top 1 percent that was born with a golden spoon lodged in your anus, and fly around private jets, you shouldn't be sending the Republicans into office.
Lakersfan78....
Take a look at the home page of this blog.... You got it wrong. We're friendlies tweaking the Repugs and just having a little fun, now that the great people of the U.S. have taken the first step in taking our country back.
Bleeding heart to replace pyramid thingie on dollar bill.
From this day forward ALL ELECTIONS will be a two day event. The Republicans will vote on Monday and their votes counted. The Democrats will vote on Tuesday. Their votes will be counted in the same way with 15% added to the Democratic total to insure No crying about voter fraud.
The unlimited human cloning of Nanci Pellosi with her clones to continualy replace the previous Pellosi's 4-year presidential term.
The unlimited human cloning of Nanci Pellosi with her clones to continually replace the 4-year presidential term of the previous one.
Pry the guns from their cold dead hands.
PBS already shows porn. ever take a really good look at a Boo-Bah?
Try to convince France to change their name to "Freedom." This way freedom fry loving congressmen will eat in anger once more.
br
All American schools are now mandated to salute one pledge that analogues all flags of every country. America would never discriminate. Math/science & reading/vocab. Will be removed from the curriculum to make room for the extra time that this will take.
Medical Marijuana will now be recognized as the accepted and legal cure for glaucoma, headaches, and boredom.
Military firearms will now be loaded with daisies instead of bullets.
Israel must give up all its land to the Arabs in the exchange for magic beans.
The Captial will be moved to Hollywood.
NAMBLA will receive a government grant.
Finally, the new Secretary of Education will be Richard Dawkins.
Suv's officially banned in US.
4 seater Vespa with optional little red wagon towing package to hit streets by summer.
Rick B.
Declare Halloween a national holiday so that all workers can have a day off to celebrate and honor Satan in any way they choose.
Lynn
Declare Halloween a national holiday so that all workers can have a day off to celebrate and honor Satan in any way they choose.
Lynn
Halloween will be declared a national holiday so that all workers can have the day off to worship Satan in any manner they choose.
Lynn
-Leave Children Behind
-Replace 'Axis of Evil' with "Axis of Misunderstood'
High school sex education will be mandatory and "hands on".
Mandatary gay marriage for all and a new law stating that young men need to be recruited into homosexuality so our artistic communities don't slowly die out.
Air Force One upgraded to Fleet of Black Helicopters, One. Manufactured in France.
Heh heh. Awesome list. FYI, I added a link to the manifesto on my blog: http://idreamlightyears.blogspot.com/
Thanks, LD
Outlaw stock car racing, and replace it with bicycle racing.
Make sex a legal spectator sport.
Ban Christians and heterosexuals from teaching in public
schools.
Christian evangelist leaders, pastors and priests CAN have sex with gay men and children.
Gunny said...
"Even wonder why the democrats selected A mule for their mascot? They are lazy and stupid. When you call then an ASS they will agree.
Wonder why the Republicans selected a Elephant for their mascot?
They will never forget. They are strong and reliable. "
- Wow, BRILLIANT, that must have taken you all week to think of that...or did you Google it? Too bad you have so many typos...I guess conservatives don't proof read.
AND Gunny said...
"Neogaidaros said...
'It really should be Clinton on Rushmore.'
With his zipper up or down? "
- At least no one died (2,858 American soldiers and over 53,000 Iraqi civilians so far) when Clinton made a BAD/WRONG/STUPID decision. Grow up.
The UnUnited States of America. Spy on your citizens. Get rid of all laws that stop Republicans from doing whatever. More tax breaks for rich people. Well we might as well round out the deficit to ten trillion and $500,000 owed by every man, women and child. Oh yeah, live in fear because those fun-loving feisty Republicans lie to everyone, are corrupt money grubbing sellouts, who go along with creating dictators in otherwise sovereign nations and then attacking those same nations when the dictator of our creation stops being our personal poodle dog.
Whoops missed the point totally. Goddamn pain medication makes me Rummy, get it Rummy.Never Mind. Anyway, so sarcasm manifesto.
1. All taxes will be collected by dem orphans and spent keeping Oprah on TV 24-7.
2. Al Gore will melt for contributing so much hot air to global warming.
3. George Bush will be nominated as the finest of all presidents.
4. Dick Cheney will be given a real heart.
5. Nancy Pelosi will have some plastic surgery to tone down them wrinkles.
6. Murtha will admit that he knew the FBI was video taping him, as they attempted to bribe him some more.
7. Reverand Jackson will be caught boning another chick and this time it will be one of Tom Cruise's ex's to be named later.
8. All Katrina surivors will be relocated to the new New Orleans in Nevada so they can stay warm and dry.
9. Halliburton will get the contract for Homeland Security.
10. Ronald Reagan and John Wayne will come back from the dead to kick some ass and take some names.
(props to an old National Lampoon)
exageration tothe pointof distilled hatred of any legitimate opposition toradicalright/ anti social(and. PLEASE do notread socialisn into social) about the only semi sensible noteistheeinstatement of Sadaam Hussein, we shouldnever interfered in his dictatorship after we supported him in his waragainst Iran: whatitis happening now in Iraq isproof enough thatthey deserved this tyrant.NO better:theyneeded him
and nowitappearsthat so did we:Iran isafar more dangerous opponentthan Iraq ever could be!With sadaam in power,no Al Sadr militia wouldhave existed and we wouldhave saved 3000 american livesandHalfa trillion dollars
On Fridays, school cafeterias will now be serving pizza and medical marijuana brownies.
Peaches' "Fuck the Pain Away" will now be incorporated into the new "Abstinence is for Losers" classes.
Sean Penn will now give the State of the Union address.
In the fight for animal rights, foie gras will be made illegal in restaurants--oh wait...
I actually wonderifthis country isn't justanother sectarian driven failed republic and I truly hate tothibkthat we are(orwere during the non lameduck presidencyfthsecond(hopefully last) Bush presidency, an society akin totheonein Iraq
It pains me to noend thatthese Bushwhakers are b;ind to the views politicalcentrists and yes: the DemocratsEven LBJ whom I detested(Iwas oneofthehandfull of visionaries who voted for Goldwater,hisopponent. Thinking back, hadwe elected Goldwater , we would haveavoided theVietnam war, th huge numberof ourdeathsand thelarger loss of those whocame back drug addicted and insane invaryingdegrees.
alsowe woulhavednot shownourvulnerability todefeat by a tiny, impoverished often barefoot guerlla army. The Iraqui"insurgeants" surelyhavetaken note and , again, werearetaking it on the chin
My admonition to both the rightandtheleft: stop hating, learn to recognze good points ofthe side(s) with which youdisagree, even yourideology blinds you.
Hey, even LBJ didsomethibg ood: thepassageofthcivil, bu then someof you,maybe mostthis was terrible; we shouldhavecontinuedour apartheid because thefoundingfathers, Jefferson in paticular were dumberthan doorknobs when declaring equality.
Can you find itpossibleto unscramblethe twistsin your minds?Finally, remember theother side is still"THE LOYAL OPPOSITION"
The Bible to be used as toilet paper in all federal buildings and schools.
Hugo Chavez nominated as "Honorary Democrat" given keys to DC, as a side note CITGO stock soars.
No dwarfs, midgets, or pygmies may be tossed except in an emergency, in which case they may be tossed to safety.
No person shall be referred to as "fat" except to direct rescue workers when someone is trapped in the folds of flesh of someone else, formerly referred to as "fat."
The Food and Drug Administration will be broken into two parts, with Michael Moore in charge of the food and Bill Clinton in charge of the drugs
The 10 Commandmants are to be replaced in public places with a list of the 10 most popular gay sex positions in San Fransisco
It's now illegal to harass and beat gays
It's also illegal to cut down a tree, but not to kill an unborn infant
Women should be allowed to decide their sex partners, and this should be supported by the law
The national anthem is being changed to "It's Raining Men" sung by Barney Frank and Mark Foley
On-demand welfare
Corporations are forced to pay all the money that they owe to the US government in taxes
Red White and Blue is being replaced with a big rainbow!
Terrorism is now an extracirricular activity for young, underprivileged inner-city youths
Workers now have to be paid enough money to pay for food and housing, and their work conditions can't be dangerous!
The Supreme Court should be replaced with the Village people, Siegfried and Roy, and Harvey Fierstein
Pussy Democrats now say that the military has to stop dropping cluster bombs on residential neighborhoods in order to intimidate foreign governments into being more friendly to Western corporations
- Fix the country(call us crazy).
- Throw Bush out on his ear(call us crazy).
- Save American lives(call us crazy).
- Raise minimum wage so that our cities are not full of homeless citizens who are bereft of all hope of living a worthwhile life (call us crazy).
- Protect our citizens (call us crazy).
To resolve world hunger, make Hussein and Bush fight a Last Man Standing battle, in a cage and show it live on Pay Per View.
To resolve world hunger, make Hussein and Bush fight a Last Man Standing battle, in a cage and show it live on Pay Per View.
All non-Volvo imported cars 200% tariff to pay for porn-star taught sexual educations (k-12).
Nationalization of all Wal-Marts
The Business of Religion will no longer qualify for Nonprofit status
Daily reanactments of 9/11.
New lessons for American school children called "We hate America classes"
Permanant union with the 'cheese-eating surrender monkey'
America becomes a communist state
Great thoughts about this! I have my own thoughts about it!
Jamilla
http://www.missouripoets.com
To make up for all the years without gay marriage, straight marriage will be banned, until the Democrats realized that suddenly 100% of the nation's children are unclaimed by parents, as they do not want to live with the shame of being "the straight couple" on the block.
Bet your dad is a conservative too!
Ya, well I'll bet you old man is a raving, ranting Conservative out there in the Midwest fighting for better highways and against Commuter Rail!
Post-birth abortion legalized.
Red state residents forcibly relocated to New York City.
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